Test for drunkenness

In most cases it is difficult to objectively evaluate the situation you're in and pass a judgment over yourself. When the question is that of admittance it becomes even more difficult. For example, many drunk people have the habit of claiming that they're sober. The important thing is that these people sincerely believe that they are sober. Lying is not the issue here, for even the conscientious among such drunkards are assisted by alcohol in mastering the art of self deception. Drinking is just a representative of many such situations where a man or a woman finds it difficult to come to terms with the truth and hence it is important for one to first convince oneself of the existence of the same and then try and delve into the gravity of the situation at hand.

Drinking and getting high is a pretty innocuous thing but then denying neurosis, sexual frustration, low self-esteem, jealousy etc are probably a little more grave. Thus it is in my opinion necessary for one to monitor one's symptoms judiciously in cases of doubt, accept the truth and then try to resolve it . For instance, when I am a couple of beers and four-five vodka shots down I have a simple test to see whether I am high or not. I try to derive mathematics theorems in my head. Most commonly I take a minute off to check whether I can derive something simple like the pythagoras theorem, the divergence theorem or the navier stokes equation. While this is nerdy, this concept has found appreciation in some close circles as a reasonable protocol. So a friend of mine came up with this simple iterative procedure to test whether one is drunk or not. (I currently dont know of a foolproof alternative for mathematically disinclined people and hence would be much obliged if someone came up with one) :

With each successive drink try and prove the Pythagoras theorem. The moment you find yourself hesitating on the proof either stop drinking or if you plan to go all the way, inform a friend.

To this, I added a second test, for self deception might compel a person to think that he has arrived at a correct proof even it is wrong:

If you're clear and confident with Pythagoras, try Fermat's last theorem. If you know the statement, are able to prove it and if your name is not Terrence Tao, it means you're drunk. If you don't know the statement (effectively ruling out the possibility that you're Terrence Tao) and are still able to conjure it up and prove it, then you have arrived at a stronger condition for your drunkenness.

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm clearly jobless :-)